Wednesday, October 30, 2019

It has been the year of years

The highest of highs and the lowest of lows - that's been this year. Losing my puppy soul mate Daisy, hurt more than I ever could have imagined. Walking with our Mom on her excruciating cancer road to heaven, dealing with the fact that she's really gone and that I have no parents left, has been surreal. In fact I had the most vivid dream last night that Mom was not gone, we had time to send her to a hospice house like she wanted, and more time to talk and plan things. It was so real.

Yet... there is this little girl who came into our world for us all to love, AVERY ANNE, born on my beloved Grandmother's birthday, June 26.  She even met her Great-Grandma Jo on July 4th, just in time. What a gift on so many levels.

Instead of hanging out on this perpetual emotional rollercoaster, I've decided to hop off and live this life that God has given me, and do it in the sunshine. No days or years are promised, clouds come & go. But what we CAN do is try really hard to stay on the light side of things. It's not easy, and i fail alot. But it's my goal daily.

Thank you Lord for this year. For all of it means something.

perpetually seeking the sunshine,
Kimmy Jo (mom's most used name for me)

Tuesday, June 25, 2019

latest project:  #kb30in30

Monday, December 3, 2018

Saying Good Bye to my doggie soul mate

I knew this would happen at some point, but never did i ever know how much it would hurt. I miss her every day. I still think i hear her little foot clicks coming down the hallway to greet me. But no one comes to greet me now. *cue the dramatic music*

at home on that dreaded day
November 26, 2018: I always prayed i wouldn't have to make that big dreaded decision that pet parents sometimes do... and even tho i still had to do just that, her condition and the urgency made me not question myself. When i leaned down to greet her first thing in the morning, upon first glance I knew it was close, i scooped her up and i had calmed her tensed body and she seemed to focus in on my face and relax a bit, and then she rested cradled in her doggie bed with her face propped on the edge. Kenny said his goodbye, then she and I laid face to face on the big bed for almost 2 hours, looking at each other... me smelling her, kissing her, petting her, soothing her, talking to her, thanking her, crying - so much crying, waiting.  But, in the end, I knew when it was time to take her to the Vet. Heartbreaking is not a word sufficient enough. But let's go with that... devastatingly heartbreaking.

I keep saying I will never get a dog again, and I think it's true. This hurts too much. I am going to focus on being a Grandma (June 2019).

If you care to read on... do. But this next bit is just for me to always remember and never forget just a very few of her little Daisy-isms

- We spoke to eachother with just our eyes. I knew what she was saying, and vice versa.
- She knew when I was sad. She could be curled up somewhere in the house under multiple blankets, and she would always find her way to my face to lick away the tears.
- Going to the lake was fun with her because i didn't have to go by myself, and she loved it too. She would KNOW it was time to go somehow. Then she'd toddle her way up the steps of the camper and couldn't wait to jump onto her perch by the window on the back of the couch. In later years I had to lift her to that spot. She could watch the neighbors dogs, and see outside and feel the warmth of the sun.
at the lake in her spot
- her favorite snack was Fortune Cookies. She never got as twitchy and as excited for any other treat as fortune cookies. But to be real,  she loved all people food treats.
- she always smelled so good. I would bury my face in her neck and just breathe. she liked the warmth. win win.
- she trusted me so much, she would let me do anything to her. flip her on her back to scratch her tummy, open her mouth to see her teeth or brush them, poke and squeeze and hold her any which way, and she'd just let it happen. (until I took out the nail clippers)
-she barely barked. especially in her older years. When she DID bark I would give her 'the look' and say "thank you" for warning me, and then she'd make a grumbly muffled whimper trying to hold it in, because she knew the rules.
-I took her everywhere. she always behaved. she would come to work and no one would even know she was there. We even snuck her into Mount Rushmore in a backpack, and she never made a peep.
- she used to climb on Mackenzie like she was a jungle gym. As soon as Kenzie was horizontal, or on the floor, Daisy would perch herself on top of her.
- when i was painting or on the computer, she would inform me by jumping on my leg, or wimpering on the edge of the bed, for me to pick her up, and she would perch on a pillow in front of me next to my chest, so i could have the keyboard on the other side of her. She'd stay there for hours of photo editing, or drawing on my iPad.
- She was the champion snuggler and heart healer. Affection was her middle name.
- I never felt alone, she was my constant companion. She just wanted to be near me. Nothing can compare to that feeling.
- She would always poke her nose into the bathroom door just to be sure she found me. She would sit at my feet, waiting for me to scratch her just above her tail. 3 little pats on the butt and off she'd go.
- in her later years she grew an affection for snacking on paper, especially toilet paper and would eat off of it like an apple on a core, ha.
- she loved golf cart rides at the lake. she'd close her eyes and let the breeze hit her, while her sniffer went wild... wiggling that little nose, so much to wonder about. She was such an indoor dog, I'm sure the outdoors was a very curious place.
- she loved riding in the backpack when we would go on walks, or go adventuring with my camera. no matter what time of year, I'd wedge her tightly in with blankets and she's be frozen in blissful comfort. Again, her sniffler nose going at full speed. When the sun would get in her eyes or the cold wind blow too hard, she'd just bury her nose in the blanket.
- She was an equal opportunity snuggler, if you were sitting down, she'd find your lap.
- If you quit petting her, she'd nudge your hand or lick it to get ya to focus on your job
- She often smelled of maple syrup, because Kenny could never resist sharing his food with her. especially pancakes. he'd make her own plate. Even when it was against the rules.
- She was on prednisone for years for her bouts with tummy trouble, and food sensitivity. chicken got her very squishy and grumbly in the tumbly.
- She would perch in any bag or purse or suitcase if she thought you were leaving without her.
- She sat in front of the basement door staring at me when i'd walk out the breezeway door. when she was a youngster, she'd whimper and break my heart a little. Then right in that same spot she'd be upon my return - tail wagging. Or if not at the door, I would pause inside the door and clickity clickity down the wood floored hallway she would come. I loved that sound, and swear sometimes i still hear it.
- When I got home and would go get my comfy clothes on, she would wait impatiently for the warm shirt and lay herself flat and as deep as she could inside the warm shirt before my heat dissipated.
her last time at work
- A fresh warm laundry basket was heaven to her
- She would sit either at my feet, or if she got bored, in her kennel as I cooked. just waiting to spring into vacuum mode when needed.
- Our bedtime routine was the same each night... as soon as she knew I was going to bed, she'd perch on the edge of the bed and watch me. When I went to get into the bed, she'd do a little scurry and do some circles just waiting to take her position. Often i'd have to hold her or move her to the side so I could get situated. Then she would find a spot on my cheek, or hand or arm and lick lick lick, rub her face on my hand and i would rub her ears and neck... when she was satisfied that she kissed me enough and I had pet her enough, she would wait for me to lift the blanket up and  *beep beep beeep* she'd back her way into her spot at my side, her hind end backed up tight into my arm around the elbow. and if I didn't move, neither would she. You know all of us pet lovers do it... don't want to move so we don't interrupt the dog :)

A million more... a million trillion more moments spent and memories had. When you have a constant companion for 15 years, they are attached to every single moment. So much of Mackenzie's childhood...they grew up together. Even when i wasn't home, or with her... i was calling the answering machine just to say "I'm coming home soon daisy" so she can hear my voice, or i was arranging for her care, calling home to check in on her, missing her, looking forward to going home to her. Oh my GOD do i miss her. i will always miss her.

Without her, I feel like a part of my "schtick" is missing, i lost some charm... Kimmy with the cute dog, that crazy dog lady, the endless pictures and internet shares...Kimmy and Daisy, we were a thing. *sigh* She was the perfect PERFECT dog for me. She was the dog of a lifetime.

they grew up together - i cherish this moment in time

Friday, April 13, 2018

Change of plans

So after much contemplation and hesitation, me and my bestie set out on the road to see MercyMe tonight. We had nosebleed tickets but were ready to get our Praise on! Well, we got as far as Eden Prairie and the rain was already turning to ice and it was still early, we were giggling at how this was possibly a poor life choice and nervous about our hour drive home and what the weather might progress to at that late hour. We made the decision to turn around before we got ourselves into the throws of rush hour. We would stop somewhere fun for dinner and just get home. We pulled into Buca since neither of us had been there in years. After mentioning to Gail how much the photo on the wall looks like my Dad's mom, Grandma Marcella Miceli, we smiled because maybe an ITALIAN restaurant was not a completely accidental choice. Great talks as always, giggles, and stories (although it felt like we were cheating on Betsy)  Before hitting the road I went to the little gals room and Gail struck up a conversation with a man in the waiting area by the door. I hope that man and his wife enjoy our tickets tonight, and I hope they needed a little Jesus time.

Tonight was not as planned, but it was so fun and felt complete. As the thunder rolls and the spring storm comes, we are home safe and smiling. Thanks Gail, tonight just felt special, even tho it didn't go as we had planned. 

Miss you Dad. Seeing MercyMe on this Friday the 13th on the 13th anniversary of your flight home, felt pretty meant to be. I, for sure, would have cried when one of your very favorite songs played... your funeral song no less. But instead, I can only imagine that you are giggling that we chickened out and didn't keep driving. I'm also sure you would be thankful we got home safe. I know your home safe too. 

Thursday, March 29, 2018

Go Falen & Jake!

I'm a big 101.3 KDWB The Dave Ryan in the Morning Show fan, and you should check out the adorable and talented Jake and Falen on their new venture!! I love the Minnesota theme and scene. Jake and Falen are naturals in front of the camera. Good luck kids, and UFFDA let's get the Food Network to notice, you betcha!